What is self-sabotage?
Let’s start with the stand-alone word ‘sabotage’. What does it mean to you?
The Mariam-Webster Dictionary describes ‘sabotage’ as ‘the act of destroying or damaging something deliberately so that it does not work correctly’ or ‘an act or process tending to hamper or hurt’.
Having identified the word’s true meaning, it doesn’t feel right to add the word ‘self’ in front it, does it? Yet, we still do it.
‘Self-sabotage’ can be described as a behaviour which deliberately, albeit in many cases unconsciously, stops us from achieving something such as a goal or an intention. According to Psychology Today, behaviour is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates problems and interferes with long-standing goals.
How do you self-sabotage?
The most common self-sabotaging behaviours are:
procrastination
not acting or acting to your disadvantage
not asking
performing below your capabilities
being late, sleeping in, not showing up, running away
not standing up for yourself
being indecisive
picking fights you shouldn’t, or even
self-harming
Take a moment to reflect on your own behaviour. Which one do you catch yourself doing? And, how does it affect your general wellbeing and success? Write it down.
Why do we self-sabotage?
The simple answer to this question is that we self-sabotage because we perceive there to be some kind of benefit to us by behaving in a way which, on the surface level, doesn’t appear to be serving us. Psychologists call it the secondary benefit.
The Secondary Benefit Syndrome occurs when the subconscious mind perceives that it is better, or safer to keep an issue than to eliminate it – like fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, grief, anger etc. Your body, or subconscious mind, are not willing to let go of the emotion, or the cause of it.
Take Dave for instance: Self-employed, overweight, dreaming about a better car, a bigger house, a relationship with a beautiful woman. But when presented with a unique opportunity which would take his business to the next level and give him more time to look after himself and socialise, he backs out.
He can’t push himself to go beyond his comfort zone and take a leap into the unfamiliar which he perceives to be unsafe. Feeling safe is a big thing for Dave. So much so that he rather stays stuck in an unfulfilling situation which makes him frustrated and unhappy, but which provides a sense of familiarity and a degree of safety.
Behind every act of self-sabotage lie different feelings, beliefs and convictions.
These feelings, beliefs and convictions will be different for all of us. They are the real cause for self-sabotaging behaviour.
If you have recognised that you self-sabotage and want to do something about it, you have to start with asking yourself some honest questions. One of the most important questions is ‘What am I afraid of?’
Below you will find some of the most common ways why people self-sabotage.
perfectionism
fear of failure and embarrassment
fear of success
fear of loss of safety
fear of disapproval and criticism
fear of resentment
shame
feeling of inadequacy and low self-worth
overwhelming yourself
guilt and self-blame
You will always make sure things happen as you feel and believe deep down inside.
How to heal self-sabotage
The first step towards healing self-sabotaging behaviour is recognising what’s going on and, ideally also, why. Examine your past and try to find a connection why you sabotage yourself. Did something happen to you in the past, going as far back as your childhood, that you cannot forget? Once you are aware of your self-defeating behaviours and habits and where they come from, you have a choice to act differently.
Many of the self-sabotaging behaviours run on a subconscious level as they have been practiced over and over again (often for many years) and until they have become an almost inseparable part of us – as in Dave’s case.
To change our self-sabotaging and self-defeating behaviours, we need to start working on the way we see ourselves in the world and how we fit in.
Here are some tools which will help you to overcome self-sabotage:
Create and repeat affirmations daily – in fact as often as you can and especially when you notice your self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviour kicking-in. Affirmations are positive statements including doing and feeling words which have the power to change how you feel about yourself and motive you to do good things you may be afraid of. For example and in the case of perfectionism (which may be holding us back from enjoying our work and experiencing life), you could use an affirmation such as: ‘I’m feeling good about getting things done and move on knowing that done is the new perfect.’
Create an image of what or who you want to be. Bring this image up every time you find yourself sabotaging and ask yourself the question ‘How is my behaviour helping me to get to this place?’ If it isn’t, do something different which will – no matter how small the step might appear to be.
Create a vision board which will remind you of the person you want to be, the things you want to have and do, the places you want to go to etc. Be creative with it and put it somewhere where you will see it daily. Look at it and take the time to imagine that you have achieved all the things on the board until you feel really good about yourself.
Get professional help
It’s OK if you feel that you can’t do this yourself. Sometimes the feeling of self-worth or inadequacy, or perhaps the feeling that you don’t deserve something are so deeply rooted that professional help is needed (coaches, psychologists etc.). And there is nothing wrong with that.
If we don’t feel well or sustain an injury to our body it feels natural to see a doctor. So why shouldn’t we seek out a professional who could help us to feel better, which as a result would allow us act in better ways.
Failing to achieve your goal in the past does not mean that you cannot achieve it in the future.
Written by Sonja Kirschner
Sonja Kirschner is a top 3 Finalist of International Coaching Awards and a top 10 Business Coach in Cambridge for 2020. She's an accredited expert coach, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner and licensed DISC Human Behaviour Trainer. She is passionate about helping different groups of people to unlock their true potential, increase their confidence and motivation so that their own performance in life, at work and in business feels great to them! Connect with her @MindsetMedium
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